Shadow

The meanest person I have ever met is my shadow. She looks like me and sounds like me, but the words that she speaks aren’t mine. She is constantly whispering things in my ear that I once believed and am now trying to change. These things she has whispered to me for as long as I can remember to help me understand the chaos I was once living in. Now I am safe. Now I understand what happened all those years ago. She is relentless, whispering in my ear all those things I thought were true about me...

“You are so ungrateful.”

“You are so stupid.” “If you were perfect, maybe these bad things wouldn’t happen.”

“Love has to be earned and you aren’t worthy.”

“There’s nothing special about you.”

“Don’t even bother trying, you’re just going to fail”

“You’ll never be enough, no matter what you do or how hard you try.”

“This is all your fault.”

When I am feeling overwhelmed, her whispers are the loudest. On those days I don’t have the energy to prove her wrong. Instead, I believe every word and melt into her as she wraps her hands around my neck. I close my eyes as they fill up with tears, wishing she would just take me. Take me so I don’t have to listen to her anymore. I don't want to be strong anymore. I just want it all to stop. Then I muster the strength to open my eyes. I see my son looking back at me. Asking me if I am ok and embracing me. Yes, baby. Mommy is ok now. Thank you for saving me. Someday I hope you know how loved you are. Until then I will keep fighting to show you every single day.